Irrational Fears of a New Mom

For me, motherhood has brought on a sense of anxiety I have never known or experienced before. Previous to motherhood, I would say I was a pretty easy going person so these new waves of fear have really been disturbing me lately. I think dealing with her being sick for several days last week really accelerated these feelings I have been having.

For example, sometimes when I'm looking at Macy I will stroke her hair and think to myself, "I will probably never get to see her hair grown out long" because something is going to happen to her before she is old enough. Or when her and Kyle leave in the mornings to head to the sitter I get this awful pit in my stomach as I worry they will get in a car accident on the way there. When she woke up for the 4th day in a row with a fever last week I was convinced she had leukemia.

Part of me understands that this is common with motherhood. After asking other moms I know, they have all told me that they experience the same fears and worries too. But for me, I was feeling extremely anxious and then would feel guilty for being so fearful. So I knew it was something that I really  needed to work through.

In my discipleship group we are working through a study called Proverbs 31: A Woman that Fears the Lord. It just so happens that this past week's chapter was titled "She is Not Afraid". The main focus was having a peace of mind with God and the section titled "fear" really resonated with me and my current new mom struggles.

It says, "We fear losing those things that contribute to our safety, health, jobs, material possessions and loved ones. These are our 'security blankets' and any real or imagined  threat to them will rob us of our peace of mind. This tormenting kind of fear is a result of failing to trust God. To take Him at His Word, or to claim His promises."

That's my answer. I don't trust God with Macy. Is it because I have not been obedient in my time with God lately? Am I letting my worldly self take over? It was a real convicting realization, but a relieving one as well. I knew that peace could be found. I am tormenting myself by imagining these threats.

I brought these fears/anxiety to my friends in our group and got great feedback. First and foremost, that YES, it is completely normal to feel anxiety and fear for our child. We only wants what is best for them and their safety. But also these 2 sweet reminders as well:

-Macy is a gift from God. She is His child.

-God loves Macy even more than I love her.

Reminding myself of these promises has really helped me alleviate these moments of anxiety. I will never stop worrying, hoping and wishing for her. But I will learn to trust God with her life. I will pray for her every single day. I will do my best not to waste time thinking of all of these "what ifs", but rather enjoy the moment with her. Even these past couple days have been already been better and I am so grateful for those 2 sweet reminders!

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above" James 1:17

Blessings Through Cancer

Blessing through cancer. Seems like an odd title, but I'll tell you why it is true in my life.

When I was a senior in high school my mom, Michele, was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 47. It was life changing for me. In more ways than I could ever explain, but ultimately brought me closer to her and through the grieving process I found peace with myself and ultimately with God.

In 2008 my mom had just finished her third round of chemo and radiation on tumors that had spread to her brain. Life was somewhat normal, I had graduated college and working as a nurse. My mom was still working full time and was just still my "normal mom". That spring I met Kyle whom I had seen out and about before due to us having mutual friends. We all went out one night and after talking to him for a little bit he mentioned that he couldn't stay out long because he was doing Race for the Cure early the next morning with his mom, who too had breast cancer. We had an instant connection talking about our mothers and it was from that moment on that we were inseparable.

Fast forward one blissful year of dating to May 2009 when we got engaged. My mom was increasingly getting ill and the cancer was really taking a toll on her body. I desperately wanted to get married as soon as possible so she could be in good spirits for it, never imagining or accepting that she would not be in attendance. That July of 2009 she lost her 7 year battle with cancer. A few months later Kyle's mom got word that cancer was back, and she would not be going forward with treatment. That December, only 4 short months later, Kyle's mom lost her battle with cancer as well.

It was a pretty devastating time in our life. I was only 24, a kid, and couldn't imagine life with out my mommy. Kyle, even younger than me, had to deal with same heart breaking issues. We couldn't help but wonder where God was in this time of darkness. How He could not let our mom's be a part of our marriage, our future together. Grieving was extremely difficult for me during the wedding planning process was so many family dynamics were changing.

After we got married Kyle and I settled in to a new church, Christ Community Midtown, and were quickly taken in as family there. We were discipled and led by loving friends who embraced us instantly. We no longer felt like "orphans" in our city and had a loving family, body of believers, to rally around us. Not only that but they truly became our friends. During that time Kyle and I, in our own time, came to trust this loving God and knew that everything He had planned in our lives was all good. We submitted to Christ, letting go of ourselves as being our own leaders. God was now the center of our marriage, and we took comfort in the arms of our Father.

Fast forward now to this past weekend, the Race for the Cure. Each year now Kyle and I, along with our close family and friends, take the time to celebrate the memories of our mothers and the lives they left behind. As the race was approaching I sat down and reflected on how cancer has affected me. Cancer has brought many blessings in to my life even though it is such a nasty disease that also brings so much heart break.

My blessings through cancer:

-Cancer brought me my husband. Had we not had that instant connection of our mother's cancer diagnosis who knows if we would have ever talked all night long the first night we met. Who knows if we would have fallen in love, gotten married and had a sweet baby girl together.

-Cancer showed me my mom was a hero. Even with stage 4 cancer, with 20+ tumors in her brain, my mom, a VP of private banking, still went to work every single day. Still did yard work, still made amazing meals every night. I think part of my shock with her death is because she never let us know how bad things really were. She was fully there as a mom, wife, worker.

-Cancer taught me that ANYTHING is possible. After watching the way my mom handled life, despite her cancer diagnosis, showed that I can do anything I put my mind to. I CAN be a nurse, pursue my dream career of being an nurse practitioner, have a family, take care of myself. I can do it all! If she could do it all with cancer, I can certainly do it all healthy.

-Cancer taught me that life is but a breath (Job 7:7). Life on earth is short. I can't take any moment for granted. Even my health. Every moment I have here with my loved ones is a blessing. 

-Cancer taught me that the ultimate sweetness is ahead of me. My mom sat me down before she died and told me to reevaluate my relationship with Jesus. She said she wanted to make sure that all her children would make it to heaven one day, so that she could see them again. Ultimately, this life is short, but heaven is sweet. If I want to live eternally, I must die to myself (Luke 9:24). 

-Cancer is why I am here, this exact spot in my life. I decided to go to school in Indianapolis because I did not want to be far from my mom after her diagnosis. If I had not done that I wouldn't have met my best friends, my husband, I wouldn't have the job I have now. It has shaped almost every decision I have made about my life since her diagnosis in 2002. And I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in Indy, as a nurse, with my loving husband and baby girl, with my amazing friends, and my awesome church I get to call home.

Ultimately, I know that God is good. Even through heartbreak and sadness, God is good. All the time. And I like to remember that as much as possible. The recent Race for the Cure was no better time to sit down and remember my blessings through cancer.

And here are some pics from our awesome race!

Some of the girls! Cassy, Hadley, Macy, Carol and Amy

A group shot of our team, "Thanks for the Mammeries"

Kyle with his brother, Alan. He and his wife, Hadley, came in town for the celebration!

Sweet Macy girl. It was a cold morning this year!

2 of my most precious blessings!

About 2.5 miles in to the race. I saw this view and couldn't help but capture it! Loved sharing this moment with my family.

We did it!

The most important Christmas yet

Christmas is a special time for most everyone. I have fond memories of laying in bed at night hoping to hear Santa land on the roof and waking up in the morning to the fireplace lit and a mound of presents under the tree. As I grow older though, Christmas has truly taken on a completely different meaning. Even more so this year as a first time parent.

I have always grown up going to church, but it wasn't until my adulthood that I truly understood the role Jesus, my Lord and Savior, played in my life. I read scripture and I understood it. I consistently started meeting with God, investigating His Word, and craving daily time alone with Him. The more I understand Jesus, the more excited and important Christmas is in my life.

Reading the Christmas story I get lost in the thought of how amazing it would be to be around when first hearing the Messiah had come. The long awaited King, had came. How sovereign God was in his planning of Jesus' birth. How God took on the form of flesh, not a king that was born in a palace, but a simple man, born in poverty in a dirty stable, and worked hard with his hands. He was born poverished and died disgraced. He was a human that we all could relate to. He endured pain and suffering, and even cried out to God to make it stop. But he was faithful and perfect. And his sole purpose on earth was to save me, a sinner, and imperfect person. I still have a hard time fathoming God's grace over my life, forgiving me for my inequities every single day, as I continue to fail over and over.

This year as a parent, I am even more emotional thinking of Christ's birth. God sent his son, his baby, knowing fair well the life of suffering he would endure. The heartbreak that God had for him, and for all of us. That God loves us so much, that he would send His only son down to save us. A love that never fails, a love I could never return.

 As Macy and our future children grow, I want to make a vow that Christmas will always be about Jesus. About what a gift he is, and that he is enough. Of course we will get our children gifts, and have traditions just like I did as a child, but we will worship Jesus, not the presents that lay under the tree.

After this past weeks events, I am even more confident in my Lord. That I need him, that I can't live my life without him. Since the day Adam and Eve sinned against God, the world has been a dark place. It is not a question of "how could God let that happen" but a statement of "wow, we need a savior". And God sent us just that. Your salvation is so important, this world of darkness can easily consume you, and now we must cling on the the Promise. The promise for redemption, forgiveness, and for salvation. Life here on earth is but a breath, our eternal life awaits us. Let it be on Heaven, let it be in a place of no pain, no darkness, no monsters.

I can't wait to share my first Christmas as a mommy with my family and sweet baby girl. Rejoicing in everything that Christmas truly stands for!

"O holy night!

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night

Of the dear Savior's birth!

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till he appear'd and the soul felt His worth

A thrill of hope

The weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks

A new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees

Oh hear the angel voices

Oh night divine"

The 31 Day Challenge

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"
-Matthew 6:33

As a new mommy I have found it hard to balance everything. Balancing being a good wife, a present mommy, working full time, school work, and unfortunately- my time with God has suffered as well. In the past, I have found that consistent time alone with God (lovingly dubbed TAWG) keeps my life on track- spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and physically. Over the course of the past couple years I have been involved in some sort of bible study, discipleship or marriage group that has given me structure and "homework" that keeps me on track. Since having Macy I haven't been involved in a group and I haven't been good about carving time out to spend in devotional. I feel like I have a strong praying life and this summer Kyle and I made a commitment to pray together every single night before bed, which I love. But my actual time alone with God, in his Word, has suffered. When my time is inconsistent I feel like my life reflects it. My convictions become more loose and I become my own God (by trying to control my life and the happenings with in it).

Thankfully, this last week I started back with my original discipleship group and have women(friends) to help me stay accountable in my time in the word. The three of us are all in similar places in life (one of which just had her first baby this summer too) and have known each other for awhile now, allowing for deeper conversations and openness.

This week we kicked off the "31 Day Challenge" where we were given a list of 31 verses and asked to get in the word every single day. Ideally it would be enough time to pray, meditate over the verse, and answer a couple questions. The key would be no distractions, (TV off) and in an environment that would foster talking with God and being able to hear what he is laying on our hearts.

I could not be more excited about this! I am looking forward to my TAWG and to see how He is working in my life. I know that it will make me a better wife, mommy, friend, etc. I recognize that I am unworthy, and that I fail daily -but I've got renewal and a fresh start every single day. For this I'm eternally grateful!