Mother's Day

For the first time in over 3 years, Mother's Day was not spent in time of mourning, but rather of happiness.

It was so nice to feel a joyful heart this year, and to feel celebrated. I definitely feel that I have earned the right to enjoy the day- being that I have been doing this motherhood thing for almost a year now. Last year I was a few weeks away and even though I was already a mommy to a baby in my tummy, this year it felt much more "real".

My first day as a mom!

Mommy and baby girl

Because I had to work on the actual day, we celebrated the day before, on Saturday. It was the perfect day. We went to breakfast at a yummy cafe down the street from our house then came back and all took a nap. 2 hours to be exact. It was amazing. Afterwards we lounged and played and eventually went out shopping. What more would a girl want than to have her hubby take her shopping? We went to a couple of places, and we all found something. (It is physically impossible to not buy something for sweet pea). After we were tuckered out shopping we headed to McAllister's for a yummy light dinner. Being that I am currently in the midst of the Advocare 10 Day Cleanse, I didn't  want to go somewhere that would be too tempting to cheat. After we laid Macy down Kyle and I snuggled up on the couch and watched This is 40 (review: equally funny and depressing). I loved every single minute of that day.

Yummy dinner at McAllister's Deli

Sunday morning I had to head in to work, but I was not bitter at all because Saturday was perfect. I got home around 5 Sunday night and we went for a family walk. The perfect end to a perfect weekend. My hubby definitely made me feel special, and the best gift of all was that Macy was finally feeling like herself after about 2 weeks of being sick. She was happy, funny, laughing and kept walking up to give me hugs. My heart almost exploded multiple times over the weekend.

Fun at the park

I have to say that motherhood is ultimately a gift, and a job I try not to take for granted. I have been so blessed with my mom and my step mom in my life. I strive everyday to be the perfect balance of love and structure for my sweet little one. I am so thankful God chose me to mommy to Macy Jane!

Irrational Fears of a New Mom

For me, motherhood has brought on a sense of anxiety I have never known or experienced before. Previous to motherhood, I would say I was a pretty easy going person so these new waves of fear have really been disturbing me lately. I think dealing with her being sick for several days last week really accelerated these feelings I have been having.

For example, sometimes when I'm looking at Macy I will stroke her hair and think to myself, "I will probably never get to see her hair grown out long" because something is going to happen to her before she is old enough. Or when her and Kyle leave in the mornings to head to the sitter I get this awful pit in my stomach as I worry they will get in a car accident on the way there. When she woke up for the 4th day in a row with a fever last week I was convinced she had leukemia.

Part of me understands that this is common with motherhood. After asking other moms I know, they have all told me that they experience the same fears and worries too. But for me, I was feeling extremely anxious and then would feel guilty for being so fearful. So I knew it was something that I really  needed to work through.

In my discipleship group we are working through a study called Proverbs 31: A Woman that Fears the Lord. It just so happens that this past week's chapter was titled "She is Not Afraid". The main focus was having a peace of mind with God and the section titled "fear" really resonated with me and my current new mom struggles.

It says, "We fear losing those things that contribute to our safety, health, jobs, material possessions and loved ones. These are our 'security blankets' and any real or imagined  threat to them will rob us of our peace of mind. This tormenting kind of fear is a result of failing to trust God. To take Him at His Word, or to claim His promises."

That's my answer. I don't trust God with Macy. Is it because I have not been obedient in my time with God lately? Am I letting my worldly self take over? It was a real convicting realization, but a relieving one as well. I knew that peace could be found. I am tormenting myself by imagining these threats.

I brought these fears/anxiety to my friends in our group and got great feedback. First and foremost, that YES, it is completely normal to feel anxiety and fear for our child. We only wants what is best for them and their safety. But also these 2 sweet reminders as well:

-Macy is a gift from God. She is His child.

-God loves Macy even more than I love her.

Reminding myself of these promises has really helped me alleviate these moments of anxiety. I will never stop worrying, hoping and wishing for her. But I will learn to trust God with her life. I will pray for her every single day. I will do my best not to waste time thinking of all of these "what ifs", but rather enjoy the moment with her. Even these past couple days have been already been better and I am so grateful for those 2 sweet reminders!

"Every good and perfect gift comes from above" James 1:17

Blessings Through Cancer

Blessing through cancer. Seems like an odd title, but I'll tell you why it is true in my life.

When I was a senior in high school my mom, Michele, was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 47. It was life changing for me. In more ways than I could ever explain, but ultimately brought me closer to her and through the grieving process I found peace with myself and ultimately with God.

In 2008 my mom had just finished her third round of chemo and radiation on tumors that had spread to her brain. Life was somewhat normal, I had graduated college and working as a nurse. My mom was still working full time and was just still my "normal mom". That spring I met Kyle whom I had seen out and about before due to us having mutual friends. We all went out one night and after talking to him for a little bit he mentioned that he couldn't stay out long because he was doing Race for the Cure early the next morning with his mom, who too had breast cancer. We had an instant connection talking about our mothers and it was from that moment on that we were inseparable.

Fast forward one blissful year of dating to May 2009 when we got engaged. My mom was increasingly getting ill and the cancer was really taking a toll on her body. I desperately wanted to get married as soon as possible so she could be in good spirits for it, never imagining or accepting that she would not be in attendance. That July of 2009 she lost her 7 year battle with cancer. A few months later Kyle's mom got word that cancer was back, and she would not be going forward with treatment. That December, only 4 short months later, Kyle's mom lost her battle with cancer as well.

It was a pretty devastating time in our life. I was only 24, a kid, and couldn't imagine life with out my mommy. Kyle, even younger than me, had to deal with same heart breaking issues. We couldn't help but wonder where God was in this time of darkness. How He could not let our mom's be a part of our marriage, our future together. Grieving was extremely difficult for me during the wedding planning process was so many family dynamics were changing.

After we got married Kyle and I settled in to a new church, Christ Community Midtown, and were quickly taken in as family there. We were discipled and led by loving friends who embraced us instantly. We no longer felt like "orphans" in our city and had a loving family, body of believers, to rally around us. Not only that but they truly became our friends. During that time Kyle and I, in our own time, came to trust this loving God and knew that everything He had planned in our lives was all good. We submitted to Christ, letting go of ourselves as being our own leaders. God was now the center of our marriage, and we took comfort in the arms of our Father.

Fast forward now to this past weekend, the Race for the Cure. Each year now Kyle and I, along with our close family and friends, take the time to celebrate the memories of our mothers and the lives they left behind. As the race was approaching I sat down and reflected on how cancer has affected me. Cancer has brought many blessings in to my life even though it is such a nasty disease that also brings so much heart break.

My blessings through cancer:

-Cancer brought me my husband. Had we not had that instant connection of our mother's cancer diagnosis who knows if we would have ever talked all night long the first night we met. Who knows if we would have fallen in love, gotten married and had a sweet baby girl together.

-Cancer showed me my mom was a hero. Even with stage 4 cancer, with 20+ tumors in her brain, my mom, a VP of private banking, still went to work every single day. Still did yard work, still made amazing meals every night. I think part of my shock with her death is because she never let us know how bad things really were. She was fully there as a mom, wife, worker.

-Cancer taught me that ANYTHING is possible. After watching the way my mom handled life, despite her cancer diagnosis, showed that I can do anything I put my mind to. I CAN be a nurse, pursue my dream career of being an nurse practitioner, have a family, take care of myself. I can do it all! If she could do it all with cancer, I can certainly do it all healthy.

-Cancer taught me that life is but a breath (Job 7:7). Life on earth is short. I can't take any moment for granted. Even my health. Every moment I have here with my loved ones is a blessing. 

-Cancer taught me that the ultimate sweetness is ahead of me. My mom sat me down before she died and told me to reevaluate my relationship with Jesus. She said she wanted to make sure that all her children would make it to heaven one day, so that she could see them again. Ultimately, this life is short, but heaven is sweet. If I want to live eternally, I must die to myself (Luke 9:24). 

-Cancer is why I am here, this exact spot in my life. I decided to go to school in Indianapolis because I did not want to be far from my mom after her diagnosis. If I had not done that I wouldn't have met my best friends, my husband, I wouldn't have the job I have now. It has shaped almost every decision I have made about my life since her diagnosis in 2002. And I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in Indy, as a nurse, with my loving husband and baby girl, with my amazing friends, and my awesome church I get to call home.

Ultimately, I know that God is good. Even through heartbreak and sadness, God is good. All the time. And I like to remember that as much as possible. The recent Race for the Cure was no better time to sit down and remember my blessings through cancer.

And here are some pics from our awesome race!

Some of the girls! Cassy, Hadley, Macy, Carol and Amy

A group shot of our team, "Thanks for the Mammeries"

Kyle with his brother, Alan. He and his wife, Hadley, came in town for the celebration!

Sweet Macy girl. It was a cold morning this year!

2 of my most precious blessings!

About 2.5 miles in to the race. I saw this view and couldn't help but capture it! Loved sharing this moment with my family.

We did it!

11 Months of Macy

Welp. It's time to write one of my last monthly updates for my sweet baby, infant, monster child, toddler. So sad! I have to say, this little one amazes me every single day. The love I have for her just keeps growing and growing to the point I feel like my heart may explode. Being a mom is so rewarding and she makes my job SO EASY.

April 24, 2013

11 Month Updates

Weight: Once again, I haven't weighed her. If I had to guess I would say around 21 lbs

Height: Not sure, will find out at her 1 year check up.

Diaper size: 4

Clothing size: 12-18 months. 12 month pants BARELY fit those long legs.

Feeding/Sleeping: Not much change in the sleeping department. Goes down around 7:30 and sleeps until 7:30. As far as feeding goes she absolutely REFUSES to be fed to. Which can be difficult at times when we are out and about because easy to eat foods that she can mash up (with only 4 teeth) can be hard to come by. We make the best of it though, and embrace the mess :) We are also starting to wean the bottle and as of yesterday dropped the first one, so she is down to 3 a day. I am definitely looking forward to getting rid of those! Plus she barely drinks them during the day, the one she (and we) will miss the most will be her first one. We usually get her out of her crib and put her in bed with us for her morning bottle. We love those few moments of cuddle time with her, which are rare!

Time to get rid of these bottles, mama!

Panera Mac and cheese...that she of course, had to feed herself.

Milestones: WALKING! We have a full time walker on her hands! She started walking right at 10.5 months and hasn't looked back. She is also clapping now, which is a new thing for her. And she does it when appropriate too, which is so cute. 

Clapping!

Loves: Miss Independent LOVES her books lately. I can barely pull her away from them. She also loves to give high fives, which she is very proud of. And she likes to share her food too which I find so stinking cute. She will take a puff, then reach up to give you one right in your mouth. Love that time with her. If she can be on her feet exploring her surroundings she is a happy girl.

I could barely get a picture of her because she was too busy reading.

Mommy's jewelry is too fun!

Dislikes: There isn't a lot she doesn't like but I would have to say she can get frustrated easily as she is exploring the world more on her own. Like I mentioned before, she HATES to be fed to and as always, is not a fan of getting her face wiped.

We will put this under 'dislikes'- Macy got pooped on by a bird this past week when we were out for a walk. Nice.

Adventures: She finally got to meet more family that lives across the country when they came in town for the Race for the Cure. It was a freezing cold morning but she did great for her first 5k! We loved our time with them and our family for such a special occasion.

Uncle Alan and Hadley came to visit all the way from Salt Lake City!

First 5k as family of 3!

What we couldn't live without: Shoes! Now that this little mama is on the move we have to put rubber soled shoes on her anytime we leave the house. An excuse to shop, darn. She is still loving her paci, which I have a feeling is going to be harder to wean than I am anticipating. But I am sticking to my guns, and will have her weaned by 1 year. As least in public. We may stick to paci at naps and night time for a bit longer, but I personally am not a fan of the paci in public on toddlers. But to each their own, of course.

Too cool for her own good.

I can't believe this little mama is going to ONE so soon! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Mommy getaway: Girls weekend in California

Last weekend I was able to take some "me time" and go visit my sweet friend Katie who lives in Hermosa Beach, aka paradise, right outside of LA. My bff Cassy is a teacher and was going for her spring break, so we decided to make a girls trip out of it.

The thought of leaving Macy for almost 4 days was a little overwhelming. Between school, work and family, taking a 4 day weekend is not as easy as it once was. But I knew it would be so worth it to get good quality time in with my two of my closest girlfriends, and the ocean view was just an added bonus.

Thursday morning as I was leaving the house for the airport I got a little choked up thinking about Macy, and "what if she forgets about me" -silly thoughts, I know. I snuck in her room super early and gave her a smooch before I headed out the door. My sweet amazing husband was very supportive of my trip and is such a great daddy so that was never a stress of mine. I knew she was in perfect hands.

I got in to LAX around 10am and Cassy picked me up from the airport. Katie had to work until 3:30 that afternoon so we had the day to go and explore. We went to Santa Monica Pier to do some sight seeing and have lunch, then headed to Beverly Hills and Robertson Blvd for some shopping and possible celebrity spotting (no luck, this time!)

The famous Santa Monica Pier

Cassy and I

Yummy margaritas to celebrate our trip!

All I could think of was "Troop Beverly Hills" -love that movie!

After we picked Katie up from work we headed to her place in Hermosa and relaxed and got cleaned up. I loved being able to catch up with friends and have uninterrupted girl time. Later we headed out to a wine tasting just down the street from her place, then out to dinner at Frito Misto, the best little Italian restaurant ever! Katie literally lives on the main strip in Hermosa with tons of amazing little restaurants and boutiques. Lucky girl!

Wine Tasting before dinner

Seriously the best place ever

After dinner we went to a bar to support Katie's friend, Mel, who was having a fundraiser. Mel is a cool roller derby chick and we went to this place that had a band that was playing hard core heavy metal, I mean HEAVY metal. It was quite an interesting experience to say the least. But we had a blast because we were with each other!

Us with Katie's friend, Mel.

Blurry pic- but a shot of Katie and Cassy doing their best hair banger impression to go along with the music.

The next morning I woke up early dying to get out and enjoy the beautiful surroundings. I wanted to go for a run, which Katie quickly obliged, but Cassy wasn't so much of a fan of that idea. That girl HATES to run. And me, being the mean friend that I am, thought I could coerce her in to loving it. We laced up and headed outside and I told her we had to run for a straight 7 minutes then we could go into 1 minute intervals. I was cracking up at all her huffing and puffing but we did it and we ended our run up the Hermosa pier. I had a runners high without hardly running - I think it was more of an "ocean breeze high".

Afterwards it was Katie's turn to convince us to try something new -juicing. I was on board because I love to make smoothies in the morning, but I'm not going to lie, I didn't LOVE it. It seems like a lot of work and a lot of waste. But Katie loves it and its great for her and her hubby - so I am glad they get something out of it.

Proud of her juicing skills

After that we got ready and headed out the door. I really wanted to go to the The Grove in LA, which is a shopping center AND where they film the TV show Extra. Shopping and a chance to see a celebrity? Count me IN!

Group shot at The Grove.

As soon as we walked in from the parking garage we spotted the set of Extra and Maria Menounos (who is beautiful by the way) walked right up to us to say hi and said "you girls look so cute". She was great!

The gorgeous Maria Menounos

After lunch and shopping Mario Lopez finally made his appearance, but was too busy working to get a picture with us. He is surprisingly a very petite in person. I always imagined him being stocky because he is so muscular. He is also very very pretty.

Mario Lopez hard at work

After we were shopped out we headed over to the Getty Center, which is an amazing place filled with awesome art and landscaping. You could seriously spend HOURS there but we were so exhausted so we opted for a quick tour of the grounds and art-teacher-Cassy was excited to check out some Van Gogh paintings.

The Getty

On a balcony at the Getty overlooking all of the LA area

After the  museum we were ready for a nap! One thing I must point out, is the traffic in the LA area is INSANE. Even though your destination might only be 8 miles away, it will take a minimum of 45 minutes to get there, to get anywhere! As someone who lives and works within a mile of each other, this was hard for me to handle. Anyways, we finally got back to Katie's to take a nap and eat our yummy leftovers. Mmmm. Eventually we got up and got ourselves ready, which is one of my most favorite things to do. I always say since there won't be any sick people in heaven I won't need to be a nurse so I will do my other calling- hair and make up! We went out in Hermosa and had a blast dancing all night. There was one bar that we went to that was absolutely packed except for the dance floor (silly people). So we spent a good 2 hours jamming out to everything from the early 90's to today. It was so fun!

Glammed up and ready for a night out!

The dancing KILLED my feet so I opted for a pedicab to take me a couple blocks.

The next morning we got up and walked to the cutest place for breakfast - with an ocean view of course. We rested for awhile then headed over to the neighboring beach, Manhattan Beach, for some shopping and sight seeing. I will have to say, of all of the places I have been in the LA area during both of my trips, Hermosa is by far my favorite. It is smaller but still has plenty to do. I am so jealous Katie gets to LIVE there!

Walking to breakfast. I could get used to this.

Manhattan Beach pier

We eventually made our way to the beach and had a late lunch/picnic in the sand. We just laid around and read and relaxed by the ocean for about 2 hours. It was bliss!

Picnic on the beach

Reading with an ocean view

We ended Saturday by eating some yummy sushi, getting frozen yogurt, and calling it an early night.
Luckily our travel back to Indy on Sunday went quickly, because I could not WAIT to get home and squeeze and kiss my baby girl! I am so grateful for my husband who encouraged this trip and was excited for me to have some time to get away. Even with all of the other responsibilities I had at home waiting for me, I was still able to take some time out and catch up with my friends and RELAX. I definitely encourage all mothers, students, co workers, wives, and any wearer of many hats to take time for yourself every once in awhile. I know I sure enjoyed it!

10 Months of Macy

Let the countdown to having a one year old begin! The 10 month mark has kicked me in to full "1st birthday party planning mode" (which helps distract me from the sadness that my baby is growing up so fast)!

As always, Macy Jane has continued to amaze me this month with her ability to learn new things and continually grow in her skills. Her smile lights up any room she is in and we can't go anywhere with out people stopping us to tell us how beautiful our baby is. Swoon. As every mom feels, I truly feel so blessed and lucky we got such a sweet easy going blue eyed baby! Praise the Lord!

10 Month Stats:

March 24, 2013

Weight: Didn't weigh her, but I would guess about 21 lbs

 

Height: Long!

 

Loves to stand her shoes.

Diaper size: Officially moved up to size 4

 

Clothing size: 12-18 months for this long baby

 

Feeding/Sleeping: Sad to say, but the 2 2 hour naps a day are starting to dwindle in to 2 1ish hour naps a day. I am having a harder time adjusting to that than she is because I still feel like she NEEDS to be sleeping more. She is still sleeping like a champ at night and has pushed her wake up time to 8-8:30 (holla!) As far as feeding goes she has started to despise being fed baby food. She wants to feed herself and always wants whatever we are eating. That can be challenging when we are lazy and just order out so I have been doing my best at having fruits and vegetables and shredded chicken stocked in the house at all times for her. When we are out and about she will eat baby food out of a squeeze packet so that helps. Its so fun to watch her try new foods!

 

Happy girl feeding herself

Milestones: She has definitely mastered the "pincer grasp" and has TAKEN HER FIRST STEPS! She is cruising around on her feet while scaling furniture, but her main means of transportation is definitely crawling still.
 

 

Loves: To be on the GO! She is happiest when she can be on the move, exploring her surroundings. Little momma is a busy body. She also loves to take stuff out of whatever it is in. For example, she loves to empty her drawers or take everything out of the diaper bag. Another thing she loves, that she has always loved, is burying her face into anything that is soft, like a stuffed animal or soft blanked. It is probably the cutest thing ever.

 

Dislikes: To be held when there is crawling and exploring to accomplish. Still hates getting her faced wiped and she has made changing her diaper a REAL challenge lately!

 

Adventures: Welp, if you can call burning her arm an adventure, we experienced that this month. She went to the Children's museum for the first time, got her first pedicure (from mommy), celebrated St. Patrick's Day and got to meet the Easter bunny!
 

What we couldn't live with out: Working on weaning her paci, and leaving it for nap time and sleep time only. So far, she doesn't seemed phased by that. Phew! Still love her sounds machine, soft blankets, and hair bows of course!



First St Patricks Day



Playdate at the Children's Museum



Reach in, take it out, repeat.



LOVED LOVED the Easter bunny!



My whole world.