15 weeks, my little thumb sucker

I had my 15 week ultrasound done last week and I am happy to report the baby looked great! It was measuring right on track and was super active kicking around and even sucking it's thumb! I was blown away how much the baby has developed over the past 4 weeks. Seriously such a miracle. Even at 15 weeks this baby is a little human and precious life! I was hoping to get a sneak peak at the gender, but the ultra sound tech said it was still too early to tell. Whomp whomp. This was my first abdominal ultrasound and I decided to take Macy with me. I have been too nervous to take her up until now because I have always had this feeling I was going to find out bad news. I woke up totally intending on dropping her off at school that morning but she looked and me and said she didn't want to go, and I just felt so guilty. So I decided to trust God that everything was going to be fine and let her come with me- which was so fun! She absolutely loved getting to see the baby and I think it finally made it so much more real for her. The fibroid measured 11.5 x 10 cm. Holy smokes. Although it measured bigger, since it was my first abdominal ultrasound I am hoping it is about the same size. PRAYING it doesn't get any bigger! I am still not sure how this is all going to pan out, but once again, God is bigger than this fibroid and I know I have many who are praying for me and those who have already laid hands on my belly and told it to stop in Jesus' name! (You know who are you).

I am definitely feeling so much better. If I wasn't so huge I think I would actually start feeling like a normal human being again. My belly has grown so fast that it has been really uncomfortable everywhere, mostly my back. I have started going to see a chiropractor in hopes I can control the back pain as I continue to grow. I wasn't this big until I was about 24 weeks. Let me (sarcastically) say how excited I am to see how huge I am going to get (crying tears). But seriously just feel blessed to be able to carry this baby and know all the hard work will come after the baby has safely arrived!

I know this sounds crazy, but by the profile I feel like "it" looks like a "he"!

Little thumb sucker at 15 weeks, blew me away!

Bathroom selfie at work. Hi, I am huge. 

11 week bump and a bump date

11 weeks came with ultrasound #2 and the first time meeting my OB since finding out we were pregnant. As soon as the US tech placed the probe (you know where) I could see the large fibroid staring right back at me. Compared to the size of the baby/sac, it is startling to see. It measured 10 cm, so not too much growth since week 7, but still so so so much bigger than any of us had anticipated it would be. The surge of those first trimester hormones + 2 rounds of clomid increased the fibroid from 4.8 cm to 10 cm. Ugh. The good news, well GREAT news, was that baby measured exactly on track with a strong heart beat of 154 bmp. Listening to that rapid heart beat never gets old. 

The picture is upside down, but as you can see, the fibroid is already making itself known (at the bottom of the pic)

I finally got to meet with my OB to discuss the implications of this all. As part of her job, she had to start off by reviewing the possibilities we could endure with a fibroid this size. Miscarriage, preterm labor -all of the things I had previously read online. She really felt our biggest risk will be limited fetal growth in the final weeks, and if this is the case, the baby will have to be born early. If for some reason I am not able to delivery vaginally and require a c-section, then more risks can occur. She won't know until she opens me up to see exactly where the fibroid is. If she had to cut through it to get to the baby, she would not be able to close my uterus back up (because it is dead tissue) and therefore I would need a hysterectomy. That was definitely eye opening news. I mean hello I am only 30. And I definitely don't feel ready to close the baby making chapter in my life. When she did my physical exam she noted that the top of my uterus was already up to my umbilicus, so because of the fibroid I measured 18 weeks. No wonder I couldn't fit in to anything already! The consultation was about an hour and I left feeling so overwhelmed. I asked her, is this (the pregnancy) even news I should be sharing with others? She reassured me that the baby was measuring perfectly and there was no reason to believe anything was going to terminate the pregnancy at this point. 

9 weeks, people already asking me when I am due. 

Talk about a spiral of emotions, again. I have yet to ever leave her office feeling relieved. Of course, I was so happy to see the baby thriving. But the thought of all of the unknowns to come took me awhile to wrap my head around. To be honest I started feeling really guilty. Did I rush this? Should I have listened to my previous OB and had surgery first? Am I putting myself and this baby at risk because I was so desperate to have a baby when I thought "was good timing". The feelings of guilt were eating away at me and I had to remind myself that  God is in control. I did not make this baby. The fact that two cells can come together and form another human being is life's biggest miracle. Only God could do that, and he chose to do that, exactly when he did. 

Weeks 7-11 were pretty rough. The nausea finally went away by week 12- thank you Jesus! The fatigue is better, so much better, but still so bad at the same time. I have about a good 4 hours in me each day. Much more than that I'm on the struggle bus. My body changed so quickly this time so that has really been a mind game. Talk about body dysmorphia. I went from not being pregnant to looking like I was 5 months pregnant in a matter of 3 weeks. Whoa. I still haven't gotten back in to working out. I am holding on to hope that as I round the corner in to the second trimester that I will have more energy (and desire) to. 

I will be getting ultrasounds every 4 weeks through out my pregnancy to measure the fibroid and baby growth. So there's one upside to this all. My next one is next week. Now that I have "officially" shared our news I feel so vulnerable. I still can't help but feel the other shoe is going to drop at any point and I will be told something is terribly wrong. And then once your news is out, you have to explain it all again. But like I said, I am doing my best to protect my mind from these thoughts and stay positive. To remember the baby (as far as I know) is growing and thriving. And that God chose us to be pregnant at this very time. 

Ready or not, the news is officially official!

8 weeks with baby #2

(written September 9, 2015)

At 7 weeks I was able to go in for an early ultrasound due to my history of fibroid. Good news was that the baby measured right on track and the heartbeat was strong at 120 bmp. yay! Bad news was the my fibroid has continued to grow, now measuring almost 9 cm (around 4 inches) which is huge. I left the office feeling almost worse than I did going in, even though the baby looked great so far. I, like any normal human being, went straight to internet and read online boards and boards of horrific experiences women have had with large fibroids during pregnancy. Some of the things I read, but not limited to, included excruciating pain when the fibroid eventually "degenerates" or dies off from lack of blood supply -I'm talking hospitalizations hooked up to IV narcotics-, preterm labor, emergency C-section, and miscarriage. Now, before I even got pregnant, my OB assured me that the size and placement of my fibroid should not cause me any issues. I have to remind myself that over and over again. I will go for another ultrasound on Sept 24 to reevaluate the baby and fibroid and will see my doctor at that time. If everything checks out then, I will feel so much better about everything and can officially make my news public. I keep thinking of cute ways to reveal, but have nothing set in stone. In the mean time, boy has this pregnancy been different. 

I do not remember being this tired before, or have I just forgotten? I mean I am miserable. I can't accomplish anything around the house. Getting up, taking care of myself and Macy is about as much as I can do in a day. No house work, no cooking, no cleaning. Definitely no exercising- which is a bum because that is something I really wanted to stay on top of this time. I am hopeful here in a few weeks I will be able to keep it up again. We got a treadmill and that will help, especially through the winter months. I have also been so nauseous with the worst food aversions. Basically all I want to eat is carbs. Bagel for breakfast, crackers for snack, sandwich for lunch, you get the idea. This, along with my inactivity up to this point, is not going to fair well for me in the long run. Hoping once I get through these first few weeks of complete misery I can start eating better and working out. My parenting game is also pretty weak right now. Luckily Macy has been pretty good about entertaining herself, and sad to say, there has been more Netflix played than ever. But you know, you do what you gotta do. I wont let myself feel guilty about that- I am growing a human for goodness sake! 

Overall this pregnancy  has been 100% different than the last. It was planned, I have this fibroid, I feel terrible, I have a 3 year old at home to take care of. But, I feel so blessed to be feeling bad, because that means my body is busy making a baby! I can't wait to see what the next US and follow up brings. Until then, saltines and ginger ale it is!

I popped IMMEDIATELY, I can thank my fibroid for that one

This belly filled out fast. I was in awe how quickly my body changed this time.

A parenting win! Dual quiet times- a must!!

And then there were 4.

(written July 31, 2015)

How we got here

Dusting the blog off for the first time in over a year, but for a very exciting reason. I am officially pregnant with baby number 2. What a joy and blessing. But it has not been an easy road to get here. 

Ever since we had Macy we weren’t sure what our plans to expand our family would be. After she was born I was busy finishing up grad school and it seemed there were a lot of factors in our life up in the air. When Macy turned 2 I loved it so much, I wasn’t even sure I wanted any more kids. We were whole, complete, and so satisfied. My heart was full. I graduated the May she turned 2 then started my new job, a whole new career. I knew I didn’t want to get pregnant right away so I could get settled in this new role. Finally by the end of 2014, my heart started telling me I wanted to expand our family. Macy is such a social being, thriving off interaction with others, with enough energy to light up a city. This girl definitely needs a sibling. 

We waited until the turn of the year, and got right to work. Naturally (foolishly), I assumed we would try and get pregnant the very first month. We weren’t even trying when I conceived Macy, so obviously we make babies pretty easily right? The first month came and went and I wasn’t pregnant. I was super bummed but tried not to be too hard on myself considering it had only been one month. The next month came, and once again, no baby was made. This time I was really sad. So the next month I decided to track my ovulation instead of going off the calendar so we KNEW exactly when to try to conceive. During this time I started having a ton of break through bleeding, and never ovulated that month, and my cycle was 43 days long. That is when I really started to worry something was wrong with me, and I came to the realization this wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought it would be. The longer we tried, the stronger my desire became to have another baby. I cried out to God, saddened that my body was failing me. I had an ultrasound done which revealed a large fibroid on my uterus, and my OB mentioned we should “wait and watch” it for a while. If it continued to grow then I should have it surgically removed. And if that happened, I would have to wait at least 6+ months before trying to conceive again. I was absolutely heartbroken with this news. This wasn’t the plan. I wanted Macy to have a sibling and now I wasn’t sure if that was going to be a possibility for at least another year. I shed a lot of tears but prayed to God for peace, and He answered my prayers quickly. Life with one child is amazing. If one day we have another, than that will be just another blessing, but for now we are so lucky to have our sweet healthy girl. 

In the mean time I also had to switch OBs as my previous one was leaving her practice. My new OB performed another ultrasound and felt that even though the fibroid was quite large, it was in an “optimal place” for conceiving. She did not believe I would need to have surgery prior to having another baby. My heart sang with joy after I met with her. My next question was, well why am I not ovulating? She offered I see a fertility specialist, but also said I could trial Clomid for a few months to see if that would help. I was totally on board with trying the Clomid and got right to work. We were now in month 6 of the conceiving process so I was excited to try it. I took it the first month, had a blood draw that confirmed I ovulated, and when it was time to take a pregnancy test I just KNEW it was going to positive.  

Well it wasn’t. And the torture continued as I was 5 days late. I finally started my period and I was devastated. I couldn’t blame it on not ovulating this time. This is when the fear really started to enter in. What is wrong with my body? Was my OB wrong and I wouldn’t be able to conceive without first having surgery? I cried for a good day, then went on with life. I knew we would be out of state visiting family the next time I would be fertile so I didn’t take Clomid the second month. We had normal “activities” not planned around any timing, and when I started my period that month I didn’t cry. For the first time in 6 months. I told myself I would give this Clomid thing one more try before seeking the fertility specialist and really guarded my heart on any expectations. I did track my ovulation this month, but for the first time I really felt relaxed about the whole situation. It wasn’t consuming my every thought. It wasn’t really on my mind at all actually. Before I knew it, it was 14 days after I ovulated and I knew I could take a test. I popped out of bed early Saturday morning and took a test. There was the faintest of faint lines and I was ecstatic. I had taken so many tests in the past 8 months that I knew that even a faint line was good. I crawled back in bed and praised Jesus. I cried again, but this time they were tears of joy. All the heart ache over the past 8 months has brought me here, worshiping the Lord with my whole being, at 6 am on dreary Saturday morning. I told my husband once he woke up but he wasn’t as excited about the faint line as I was. He was worried I was setting myself up for an epic let down. He wanted more concrete proof so the next morning I took a digital test, which of course read “pregnant” right away. I was giddy to see that. 

Now, at only 5 weeks, I feel I am still in just a “waiting” period. I know there are so many risks this early on so I am keeping mum, and praying for this little baby in womb every day. That it would grow and thrive, and it would one day know Jesus. If all goes planned, I would be due mid-April. I will have my first ultrasound at the end of next month, and after that time I think I will finally be able to let out a good “sigh” of relief. I am feeling well, still like myself. I didn’t start really feeling anything until I was right at 6 weeks with Macy, so we will see what happens here soon. But to be honest, I would be blessed and privileged to feel sick because that meant that my hormones are doing everything they can do form this baby and I am good with that!

The first positive test with a very faint "plus sign"

Officially PREGNANT!